The heat maybe be stifling this week, oh, but that's not stopping some people from digging themselves in deep on a couple topics we gotta talk about. Guys, I’m swinging for the fences right off the bat this time. After multiple awkward convos with relative strangers, I'm here with a quick reminder to "Stifle yourself!" Why? Because...
It is not cool to ask a married person when they’re going to have a baby.
It is not cool to ask a single person when they’re going to get married.
It is not cool to ask parents of only one child why they aren’t having more.
It is not cool to ask a single parent why they didn’t stay with the other parent.
It is not cool to ask someone why they’re getting divorced.
It is not cool to ask people who have been dating for a long time when they’re getting married.
It is not cool to ask an engaged person if they’re “still getting married.”
It is not cool to ask if someone is gay or straight or why they are gay or straight.
We cool?
Maybe you didn’t know that the married lady you asked if she “even wanted kids” has been giving herself stomach injections every day for weeks and hoping to get pregnant. Or worse, has suffered multiple miscarriages.
Maybe you had no idea you were asking that single guy when he was going to get married not knowing that he’s secretly gay and terrified to come out to his uber-conservative family.
Maybe that single mom you know is still stone-in-love with her baby’s father and he just doesn’t want either of them and none of this was her choice.
We never know what’s happening on the inside with someone. That’s why it’s not okay to ask. It’s not our life. It’s not our decision. And, to be blunt, it’s not our business. If people want to discuss these topics with us, confide in us or ask our advice, they will. And if they don’t bring it up, neither should we.
Don’t put it in a cute little joke. Don’t say it after annoying disclaimers like:
“You know I’d be the one bold enough to ask!”
or “You probably hear this all the time…”
or “We’ve been worried and were wondering…”
Seriously, if you do this, it's time to stop. And if you have had it done to you, I'm going to give you so ammo to counteract these kinds of questions.
Well, now that I’ve pulled the trigger prematurely… How about an intro?
Ah, the age old “Life Schedule”- around which lovely and kind-hearted terms such as “spinster,” “life-long bachelor,” “childless,” “barren,” “only child,” “broken home,” “divorcee,” and my personal favorite “living in sin” sprang up. They imply that if any of those aforementioned life situations apply to you, then you must be defective somehow. You're not playing by the rules, missy! When I think of the users of this terminology, my mind definitely conjures up the 50+ set, however, that’s not always the case. Us “Under 50’s” do it to each other, too.
This week, I witnessed something… awkward. (“And it goes a little something like this, HIT IT!”)
Friend #1- Oh my goodness! Your baby is getting so big!
Friend #2- Thank you! So, when are you guys going to have one? You better get on it!
Friend #1 (Crestfallen) Oh, I don’t know. Someday I hope, haha. Good to see you guys!
Friend #2 (Blissfully ignorant) You too! Let’s get together soon! Bye!
Is this what friends are for? What if Friend #1 was trying to have a baby and it wasn’t working out, and now she has to publicly account for that? To me that’s like some skinny girl saying to a bigger girl, “When are you going to lose weight? You better get on it!” If someone did that, the entire politically correct world would lose its damn mind. It’d be cruel! So why is this baby thing acceptable???
I’ma get graphic real quick. Asking a married woman why she doesn’t have kids is one of the rudest and most intrusive things you can do. It’s at best a euphemism for: “So, you guys don’t want them? Focusing on your careers-LOL? Or are you not really having sex? Your marriage okay? Well, maybe you are and it’s just not happening then? Are one of you physically defective in some way? Did you do drugs in college? Because I heard that can make it tougher. Have you been to the doctors? You get your period regularly? He had his sperm count checked?”
WHAAAAA???? While, I’m not the girl in the scenario above, and for some reason I feel it necessary to add that I’m not in mom-mode yet, I have wiped away friends’ tears over this, and I’ve also been personally asked these questions! And worse, it’s often not even someone you’re close to who asks. It’s like your great-aunt or an old neighbor or some random Donna at the grocery store. What is wrong with people?
But it’s not just married women who get grilled. In fact, another friend I have announced that they were going to be a grandparent on Facebook the other day. Cool!
Until moments later someone had to comment, “Congrats! Which one of your kids is married?” and this would-be grandparent was forced to replied with, “Neither, but we’re very happy for them, and we think babies are always a blessing.” I was left scratching my head. Clueless or low-key righteous? I couldn’t decide.
Anyway, this omni-present “Life Schedule” we all seem to be on in the court of public opinion only adds tumultuousness in this crazy society. Half the world is saying people shouldn’t even assume I have the parts to BE a genetic female and the other half wants to know why, if I am, I’m not using this sucker to carbon copy myself. What a time to be alive.
The Perfect Life Schedule (as told by my 13-year-old self)
0-14 – Blissful and euphoric childhood filled with love and learning
14-18 - High school
18-22 - College (4 years- more on a Bachelor’s? Loser. Less, you “didn’t reach your full potential”)
23 - First “real” job/Engaged to college sweetheart
24 – Working/ saving for wedding. Living separately, because living together would be “wrong”
25 – Married/ amazing honeymoon abroad/first nice “grown up” car
26 – Buy first house (because you certainly don’t still have tens of thousands of dollars in college loan debt)
27 – Baby #1 (Note: this is slightly late according to stats, hold on for that…)
28 – Masters degree/Climb career ladder with big promotion at work
29 – Baby #2
30 – Silly, funny birthday party involving black “Over The Hill” balloons and family karaoke
30 to Death- ??? All your dreams have already come true, so you just keep upgrading?
This was how I expected my life to go. So at 23 when I lost the relationship with “the one” I kinda spiraled. By then I had already moved to Los Angeles to become a writer, “failed,” moved home a year later, went back for a second degree (teaching) and supplemented my insane college loan debt by working in TV news, which surprisingly pays less per year than the Kardashians spend on salad in one day.
I repeat: I was 23- and I felt like a complete failure. My grandmother (she was born in the ‘20’s, so let’s cut her some slack) actually looked at me one afternoon and asked “Won’t anybody marry you?” Then she suggested two second cousins as possibilities. My brothers laughed like maniacs, and I laughed too, but inside, I was devastated. I. Was. 23! And I was still kind of a lil hottie then, like, WTF?
Anymore, I guess society is “permitting” us to get married later, but if you’re a girl and no one snatched you up by 30, you’re cold product. That’s not even to MENTION those people who tie the knot by 25 because the pressure is on, get divorced and then are equally stamped with that ‘defective’ label on their heads. And relationships aren't the only thing we get judged for. What if you didn't go to college? Oh, the horror! Except that I know lots of blue collar folks who make three times what I make in a year and are perfectly happy. So enough with the judging! This needs to stop, ya’ll! Everyone's 'great' advice is "Quit worrying what people think about you." But these are the same people who question everything you do, buy, wear, post, accomplish and decide. What's a girl to do?
We know how people EXPECT us to live our lives, but how do the majority of people ACTUALLY live their lives?
I did a little digging and supported my findings with cold, hard facts, ‘cause fake news articles aren’t going to be good enough to shut up the peanut gallery on this one. Here’s some stats, on Education, Marriage, Divorce and Babies, friends. Feel free to skip to the section that interests you – and to decide for yourself if that "perfect life" schedule above is even “normal.”
A-ccording! To the US Department of Labor’s Bureau of Statistics, (I’m such a total B today, guys, I know.) these are the deets on EDUCATION:
This year, the HS graduation rate was an all-time high of 83% (Yay!)
Of that, 69% went into some type of college, while 31% did not
Of the 69% college students, 38% also have jobs. (Meaning around 38/100 HS grads work at least part-time while going to college full-time.)
Out of the 31% who didn’t go to college, 22% of those have jobs.
(So “Fun Fact” 9/100 young adults who graduated high school last year are not working OR going to college. So… what are they doing? Here's where you can apply that harsh judgement.)
The average college student in America graduated in 2016 with over $37,000 in student loan debt.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, here’s the low down on MARRIAGE:
In 1970, 95% of women over 30 had married. And the median age for brides was 21.
Today, on average, women marry at 25.1; and men, at 26.8 years old.
44.9% of American adults 25+ are currently unmarried (and women are less likely to be married these days. For every 100 unmarried women, there are only 88 unmarried men.)
The average age for first time homebuyers in America is 33.
From 1990-2007 88% of couples lived together before marriage, a figure that had doubled from the previous bracket.
75% of cohabiting couples plan to marry and 25% do not.
63% of engaged couples stay engaged for 1-2 years before marrying.
90% of people WILL marry at some point in their life.
DIVORCE (a much sneakier topic), according to the American Psychological Association:
Remember the old, “half of all marriages end in divorce” thing that sort of built a cushion of “if we make it, great; if not, we’re still normal,” around the idea of getting married? Well, it’s apparently more complicated than that. The peak in the divorce rate in the US happened in 1980, where that 50/50 thing was pretty undeniable. (I have TONS of friends whose parents say they got married “to get out of the house.”) But the numbers get skewed- here’s some contingencies:
Divorce rates among couples without college degrees remain near the 50/50 mark. (About two-thirds of adults 25 or older fall into this category- remember those EDU stats from earlier were for NEW HS grads. Grad/college rates have historically been much lower.)
Divorce rates of couples who both possess college degrees have declined. (1/3 of all married folks have degrees)
If you happen to fall into that 1/3, experts at the American Psychological Association credit couples finishing their educations, waiting longer to marry, living together first and having more job stability as the primary reasons for the decline. Apparently this group was “more sure” when they got married in the first place, or would have been content with singledom. They also state that in the future, it is projected that the divorce decline for this group will continue, resulting in two-thirds of marriages lasting the duration. Hmm. Maybe less peeps are just getting married these days.
(Disclaimer: Now, before you freak out and say, “Well, it must be nice to go to college!” and all that, know that I agree. It was an incredible privilege that many around the world will never have, my entire family sacrificed to make it happen and I’m not bragging on it. Simply put, the APA study showed education to be one of the biggest factors. Interestingly enough, socio-economics wasn’t a huge defining factor. The poor divorce a lot. The rich divorce a lot. Sometimes, middle class ain’t a bad spot.)
The CDC and the CIA had some stuff to teach us about BABIES:
According to the CDC, 40.3% of babies born in the U.S today have unmarried parents, but the birth rate for single mothers under 20 dropped from 23% to 13% in the past 15 years. (I see you, increase graduation rate!!! Oh, PS: The teen abortion rate has dropped too, in case you needed that data.)
And the average age when people become parents in America today is 26.4 years and continues to rise. (In Asia/Pacific Islands, it’s over 30. In the Native American culture is 23.)
The CIA reports that American women today will have an average of 1.87 children in her lifetime. For a little perspective:
French women have 2.07/Mexican women have 2.25/British women have 1.89
Women in Singapore have 0.89
And shout out to the brave ladies in Niger who have, on average, 6.62 babies apiece. (We probably don’t need to talk about their death rates, do we?)
The New York Times reports that 20% of all families having babies in the past ten years will only have the one baby resulting in 20 million single-child households in the US today.
The CDC tells us that 12% of women of childbearing age (which they cite as 15-44) have impaired fertility and 6.7% are infertile. Of those, 7.3 million women have turned to fertility services to aid in pregnancy to varying degrees of results.
And, last but not least, here’s some stuff you should realize about the LGBTQ community.
Numbers based on a study from UCLA’s Williams Institute indicate that 9 million people in the United States identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual. (For perspective, 40 states in the US have a population lower than 9 million.)
Guys, I wouldn’t deign to pontificate on your religious beliefs or personal lifestyle, but let’s at least recognize that peace is the answer. I support every ounce of diversity on this planet and I’m madly in love with love, in whatever form it takes.
If you’re still with me, here’s the point of all this…
Today there IS no “conventional” lifestyle. The new American Dream is living however the hell you want.
Listen, most of my favorite people are on the planet were alive in 1970 and they are wise and wonderful and they love me and want my life to be full and long. However, back in 1970, when people were married with kids by 21 and the life expectancy for the average white male was 67 years old, yeah, being 50 and just getting the kids into college wouldn’t have been a great plan. Ye Olde Retirement Fund would suffer, and your likelihood of seeing your own grandkids graduate wasn’t great. Hell, I’d already be middle aged at 34. (But retirement? Lol. That’s when I’ll buy my unicorn ranch.)
Guys, it’s 2017. And the average life expectancy for a US citizen is 79.13 years.
And it’s my own belief, that we should spend those short 79 years being good to each other, doing whatever makes us happy and not worrying about what other people want our lives to look like. Some people are doctors. Some people never go to college. Some people never get married. Some people marry someone of the same sex. Some people never have kids. Some people have an average of 6.62 babies. The point is, if you love someone, you acknowledge that their life is their own masterpiece to paint, their own garden to water and tend to and watch blossom. Life isn’t about how many people we can get to join “our” club or coerce into scheduling their life to follow the same path ours did.
You remember those questions from the beginning? If you consider yourself a kind and wise person, then I hope I don’t hear you ask those again. And to those of you who have had to field these queries… I want to urge you to just smile and walk away. Heck, or point out how rude the question was. Or- better!- give them whatever insanely graphic detail pops to the front of your mind related to the question they asked! Yeah! Do THAT! (And let me know how it goes!)
The truth is, we shouldn’t have to come up with a defensive strategy on how to shield someone from asking the personal questions that, to us, are often so raw, so painful and so embarrassing that the mere mention of them shuts us down. We should live the life we chose, accept others for the lives THEY chose and, most importantly, accept OURSELVES for all that we have, will and won’t experience in this life.
Oh, and in case you were wondering when I plan on having kids myself… probably whenever I feel like it. But, you know, even then we can never be sure. I guess that’s the point. –Kelly
